Tuesday July 17, 2007

Kelly CarlinUncategorised Leave a Comment

I realize now that I have been pouting in the corner about finishing the Elizabeth Gilbert Book Eat, Pray, Love, because I well I just haven’t felt like writing since then. Her voice inspired my voice. I have been strugging with and searching for that feeling I had those few weeks ever since, and I realize now that all this struggle and all this searching for THAT thing just is not the point. I see that there is a possibility that I am allowed to show up in the world how ever I am in THIS moment. NOW. And now again. And yes even now. I have put my experience on a pedestal, and worshipped it for all the love and glow I was feeling, and the power of my voice coming through. So I ask myself now, what was inspiring me? And it was her impeccable commitment to showing up with all of herself, no matter how it looked. And so when the book was over, and my inner voice felt like it had lost its GPS system, I was afraid to show up here. I felt vulnerable, and messy and like I wasnt’ on my best game. And God knows, one thing I must do at any cost is protect my precious fucking reputation. And then I hear the voice in my head say, “What reputation dahling, no one knows who you are.” Yeah, that is the rub. I am protecting a reputation I do not have, and I am protecting one that does not even reflect really how others see me – as the gal who is willing to show up real and without make up on.

So I am really tired of feeling like I have to be brilliant to show up in the world. And I am daring to show up unkempt, without make up and let my heart break in front of you. I can hear Rumi now, “Sell your cleverness, purchase wonder.” God all of this is hard.