Saturday, June 16, 2007

Kelly CarlinUncategorised Leave a Comment

I guess it’s been a year since I blogged here. It’s been so hard to figure out how to do this blogging thing. Do I do it on a web site, do I do it with my coaching site, do I not bother at all?

Part of my resistance has been an assumption I make constantly, that I need to hide my true self from those that I may be working with as a life coach. I get sucked into this thing that believes that I must maintain some kind of all wise, all knowing stance, and that if I don’t I will lose my clients. What is so fucked up about that is that my training and perspective about coaching is that I have little to do with what and where my clients go – they are the ones doing all the work. But I get my self sucked into the land of reputation and approval and screw myself every time. So what has happened to me is that I have censored and stifled myself this last year, and not come forward with my thoughts and things about my life, the world and anything else.

And who am I kidding, it’s not just about my life coaching, it’s really about fear of disappointing everyone by revealing my thoughts, ideas and feelings about life and the world around me.

Well, I turned 44 yesterday, and I think it is high time I got over this bullshit approval seeking crap. The self-betrayal I create by living silently is becoming too much to bear. Confusingly, I grew up watching my dad being a person who did not silence himself, and followed his urges to express all that was on his mind. But I think that he did not have to live under a shadow of that kind of parent. Growing up in the shadow of a George Carlin, my dad, is a different kind of life than he had. He had some kind of permission that I have never given myself.

But as I said, that is no longer working for me. I’m tired of this shadow, I’m tired of my fear, I’m tired of worrying about how it will all look.