Monday June 18, 2007

Kelly CarlinUncategorised Leave a Comment

I am a whore. I cannot think of anything I want to pursue in my life without thinking about how it might make me more noticeable to the masses. Now I must be frank with you that I may even be writing these very words for this very reason right now. But I can’t help myself, and therefore you must have compassion for me(okay, you don’t need to do anything here but hopefully listen with an open mind). And the saddest thing is that there are no masses really to make myself more noticeable to – I have no mass audience, no following, no cronies or minions. I have a few friends and loved ones who are willing to listen to me, and most smile and enjoy what it is I have to say. And I can’t tell you how appreciative I am of them.

But, I don’t think that my confession is much different than what we all do anyway. Aren’t we all looking for some love and attention? Is there anything we do from a pure place of just wanting to be doing it? I do not know anymore. I suppose there are some things that I do for this reason, but I can’t think of any right now, except for maybe I pursue getting noticed because I love doing that? Can’t this be pure too?

What is this chasing after your attention all about anyway? Why do I believe that I am not really living my life if potentially thousands of people aren’t turning their loving gaze my way? Okay, so my dad is famous and psychologically that all makes sense, and yes I’ve done A LOT of work in therapy already to get me to what I consider a much more balanced relationship with all of this. But the reality is that wherever I go, there I am and so this issue just keeps circling around and around me like a newly abandoned jet ski. I would love to jump on it and move on to somewhere else, but it is here in this circle I keep finding myself, and finding myself is what I am looking for. So no more avoidance, no more excuses. This is what I must talk about, until it just doesn’t pull me around anymore.