Been gone a few days, and finding it hard to reconnect to my words. I spent the weekend preparing for, unrolling and recovering from a workshop that I lead (not alone but with my fabulous partner Ginny), and now I am feeling far away from myself. It’s like my psyche put its sites on something out there, and now I am having a hard time, coming home, regrouping and finding myself, my voice. This is not a new experience for me. Transitions are challenging. Moving from role to role, no actually moving from a more public, leadership role – workshop leader – back to me as vulnerable, questioning human – THAT is the challenge. It is like once I am in a position for people to see me, interpret me as strong, smart and wise (which happens the minute you stand in front of people and hold your power), I start to believe that this is how I must always show up. I feel like that if I don’t show up as that “enlightened being”, then I will disappoint or even worse, I will damage. How fucking sick and arrogant is that? And how fucking sick and tired of this bullshit I do!
I am amused by this whole scenario because I desperately want to be able to do both, and yet it is quite uncomfortable for me to do just that. Maybe I want the impossible. Is it impossible to become a person who stands in front of others and inspire them while at the very same time being human and vulnerable? No, of course not. But for me, it feels strange, dangerous and wrong. Clearly, I have made some BIG shit up about all of this. And yet I know that this is my life’s work. I am fascinated by collapsing hierarchies, and clearly I have one to collapse over and over again within myself.
More to come later. Oh, and BTW, I have begun Eat, Pray, Love again to help me regroup and reconnect to me. Crazy – maybe.